World avoidance

There are some days that I just want to disappear from this world. I wish to close my eyes and submerge myself into darkness. Sleeping won’t do, I don’t want to dream and I don’t want to feel my existence. Everything around me looks so superficial, so distant and inaccessible. I thought that I was worth something but I am nothing, nothing I thought I could be and had to be, there are so many things I can’t bear. My body, my voice, my mind, all of it is so annoying, if I just could lie down in a bed, let myself get absorbed by it, fill my lungs with black and dense air until waking up becomes impossible.

And I know there are many ways to make this happen, I know it could be quick, and I know that death comes at the end of it. But dying isn’t the main goal of all this, it’s an almost inevitable consequence, the price to pay if you don’t play properly the game, if you get tired too soon, if you get confused, and all that. I am exhausted but I am not willing to give up entirely, I change my mind quite often about the value of my life and the importance of being in this planet.

So I suffer to get myself into that state of non-existence, I damage my brain, my heart and my body in order to annihilate myself slowly. I always have the pretence of undoing the damage, of killing myself so slowly that at any moment I might change the course of my life. But it’s like running in circles, different cycles of my history have being marked by this sort of rebirth.

I used to eat until my stomach hurt and until guilt of what I had done would attack me, until keeping awake meant to face all the demons I had inside and the only solution to avoid pain and regret would be to sleep. But that didn’t work the whole time, I had developed a need for destruction, I drank at the same time I ate, that made me feel sad and defenceless at the same time, so I would go to bed feeling miserable but too tire to attack myself with any kind of regret. And finally I introduced sleeping pills to the ritual, so that my body became a true enemy, something I had to eliminate entirely, to damage, to remind to it I was in command and that its existence was superfluous. For a moment I could endure all the pain in the world, and then I blacked out.

I have always cried when I woke up because the darkness had gone away, because I was left alone to face the light of the world I was trying to escape. I could hardly feel normal the rest of the day. My body resented everything I had done to it, but I couldn’t admit it, nor show it. Silence made everything heavier upon my shoulders and still does. I don’t do any of those things any more, not because I don’t need to escape any longer, but because it is useless.